My heart was broken. I was a mess. I wanted to trust God, but I was too hurt to trust anything or anyone. I hated my reality. I hated who I was. I hated where I was. It seemed to me that there was no way out, surrounded by darkness and loneliness.
I felt like a failure. I felt worthless. I wanted to be so much more, and I knew God wanted so much more for me, but I refused to let Him in, I tried to hide in the darkness. But He was there. He never loved me less, though I felt less loved. He never deserted me, though I felt all alone. He had plans to prosper me, though I felt hopeless.
Why was I going through this? What had I done to fall so far from the path, and how was the fall so hard that I couldn’t seem to get up from it? I was confused, lost, and afraid. I lived in a constant state of anxiety that I wasn’t good enough, that I was a failure, that I could not do anything right. I would agonize for short periods, allowing myself to admit what I was doing was wrong, not listening, following, or trusting Him and His voice.
I would usually go to bed upset with myself. I hated being so lonely and at the same time so helpless and lost to find a way out. I did not realize how much my pain was keeping me there. I did not realize the amount of pain in the depths of my heart either. What was there to do but try to ask God to do what He always does: Saves, Redeems, Restores.
Knowing that God was all too capable of doing anything He wanted I started getting angry because I felt I was being left alone in my struggles. I knew I needed to get to Him, but was too self-absorbed to want to get to Him. I kept telling myself to trust Him…but for some reason, in that state, the word trust was not in my vocabulary.
So I agonized all over again that I was so evil to want my ways instead of His. Like I said, I hated who I was…and what was worse was all along I knew God wanted to create in me rivers of living water…but I would not let Him. I felt like I COULD not let Him.
I’m sure we have all been in a place of not being the man or woman we know God wants us to be. After all, we all have sinned and fall short of His glory, and we are always being shown mercy. So I’m sure a feeling of guilt in our conscience is probably all too common. Us Christians tend to think that we should do something, anything, to deserve knowing Him, or at least to live like Christ. Nonetheless, I felt like I had to be more evil than the common man, because I was doing what I knew was wrong (deliberate rebellion) and rejecting what I knew was good (denying Christ).
I say all of that to say this: I had no idea how much I needed to grieve the inner turmoil I was experiencing. I did not validate my pain and my scars because I tried to be “tougher than that.” I did not let God in because I was unconsciously holding on to a deep seeded pain. The pain of feeling betrayed, neglected, and mistreated. The kind of pain that I had tried to forget about, sweeping it under the rug, but was reminded of it out of nowhere. It made me wonder, “Where has THAT been hiding?”
By an extraordinary and supernatural act of God, He helped me search the depths of my pain. He came along side me and made me fully aware of His presence. And man, the presence of God…it is a deeply moving experience. I felt Him next to me, and started to tear up. It was a glimpse of how He still loved me as His son. I was still tentative, but when He placed His hand on my shoulder I wept. I can see no other reaction to the presence of God but to be filled with overwhelming awe and wonder, and completely at peace. I felt like that was the place my spirit had been thirsting for, aching for, because it was. I was saturated with spiritual joy.
I let out a lot of suppressed pain and it released a ton of weight off my chest/heart/shoulders. Anger and doubt left my heart. I felt renewed and loved. Basically the opposite of how I had been feeling: decayed and unlovable. But praise God for His tender mercy and His great compassion on all He has made! There is no other love that compares to the love He has for His sons and daughters! We are all precious to Him…how awesome our God is!
Just thought I’d share His goodness with you. And how His healing touch cleansed my heart and soul, and rid me of all my guilt and shame. Are you experiencing His love? Ask yourself if you want to. Ask Him to show you. It is the love that changed the world. And it is only by His love that we are changed. The old has gone, the new has come!
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