don't ask me why, or what spurred this, but for some reason, I am seeing so much beauty around me. Don't get me wrong, I have loved and thanked Him for blessings, but I'm not referring to things that He has specifically given to me. I walked outside last night, it was like 65 degrees around dusk, and all the sudden a sweeping of the beauty of nature came over me. It may be corny, and I can't tell you why, like I said, but a calming and sweet peace from God came over me, and I marveled at His creation.
The birds, the trees, the grass, the temperature, all of it seemed more glorious than ever. It was a surreal moment.
I believe I am falling more in love with Him. No, scratch that, what am I saying, I AM falling more in love with Him. I just want to thank Him for the beauty of all He has created, the beauty of women (both inside and out), the brotherly love of man, the sweetness and innocence of children, the companionship of my dog.
All of it has a renewed spirit of thanksgiving seeing His glory in them. He is in all things. And I see this ONLY by the Spirit of God, this I know for sure.
And I didn't even ask for this. Haha all I asked for was more of Him, more of His Spirit, and helping me to fall back in love with Jesus Christ. Not for blessings (i.e. "Do this and I will bless you"), no, worshiping Him for Him. Adoration of His Goodness and Glory and Love.
Is this too sappy? Is this too touchy feely? I am sorry if not many people talk this way, but I can say with certainty that this is His loving and gracious way of waking me up to His Beauty. I am actually sorry I have NOT seen things this way in such a long time.
Ah, depression, long have I lived in your colorless world. I did not enjoy it, but because of you, I now greater appreciate the restoration of the color to my life and seeing His radiance in simple things.
I once was colorblind but now I see, the glory of God that surroundeth me.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Blogs Can Be Scary
Alright, I have to admit it, this blog scares me a lil. And I did not know why exactly until the day after my last entry. That day I experienced something that tends to elude me (thankfully) most days. That is the feeling of
Panic
I was taking a nap when I got woken up by my cell phone. It was my friend. I had just told him I was too tired to play ball with him today and that I was sleepy. So I called my bro and asked if he would play for me in my place (since he loves to ball too) and he was thrilled. Anyway, like I said, I woke up from my nap and saw that it was my friend, then it hit me. Yes, like a ton of bricks. An overwhelming PANIC came over me because I had the strange and (seemingly) random notion that he was going to tell me that my brother died in a car accident.
I imagined answering the phone and having to hear about another sibling dying in a car accident. This alarmed me. "What in the world is THIS?" I pleaded with myself to reason with me. But it didn't have to make sense to be a real feeling. I felt real panic...and it freaked me OUT haha.
Maybe I shouldn't laugh, because it is all too familiar, the reality of death that is, but I have to almost laugh at this nonsense. It was not so funny then however. "OH MY GOODNESS IT'S THE BLOG! I am having these thoughts because of the blog!"
Writing about my sister (among other things) I guess opened my heart back up for tragedy. It was fully prepared to receive more tragic news. Then I thought, "He's about to have a baby! Oh, I couldn't DEAL if we lost him! What would Stephanie do? What would I do? I would helplessly watch my nephew suffer! Oh Lord, please don't take my brother now!"
Literally I'm remembering having these thoughts as I am writing, because I guessed I blocked them (gee, wonder why) from my mind.
"So THIS is why men don't share their feelings like women do, because this kinda stuff happens: Paranoia then PANIC," I yelled to my dad, after telling him this story (btw you can thank him for this entry, he told me this is what I should blog about next).
So why am I back? Oh I don't know, I think I just got scared and ran away from my fears. One being EVER having to go through another loved one's death. Two being opening up my wounds will open the flood gates of vulnerability and I could become exposed and hurt.
It is hard to open up about things that hurt. Not just vulnerable things like secrets or insecurities, but real hurts in the heart are hard to open up about...I don't know how to do it, because I've never done it.
And I fully understand why more women have blogs then men. And if that stat is wrong, then I'll try again, more women have blogs about their feelings then men. That's just fact. But it doesn't mean I shouldn't, it just means it is unnatural and harder than I expected.
And I expect to get opened up again like that, some how, some way, I'll panic again. And I guess in a way that is not good, but I want to try to grrrooowww here. Become a MAN. And my definition of a MAN is one who is not afraid of exposing himself, able to be tough, but also vulnerable. Able to be REAL, and not trying to impress all the time. I want to be myself, and that is "Wounded". At least for right now it is, sheesh. We'll see where else this blog takes me.
I'm sorry I left for a while. I'm back now...hopefully.
Panic
I was taking a nap when I got woken up by my cell phone. It was my friend. I had just told him I was too tired to play ball with him today and that I was sleepy. So I called my bro and asked if he would play for me in my place (since he loves to ball too) and he was thrilled. Anyway, like I said, I woke up from my nap and saw that it was my friend, then it hit me. Yes, like a ton of bricks. An overwhelming PANIC came over me because I had the strange and (seemingly) random notion that he was going to tell me that my brother died in a car accident.
I imagined answering the phone and having to hear about another sibling dying in a car accident. This alarmed me. "What in the world is THIS?" I pleaded with myself to reason with me. But it didn't have to make sense to be a real feeling. I felt real panic...and it freaked me OUT haha.
Maybe I shouldn't laugh, because it is all too familiar, the reality of death that is, but I have to almost laugh at this nonsense. It was not so funny then however. "OH MY GOODNESS IT'S THE BLOG! I am having these thoughts because of the blog!"
Writing about my sister (among other things) I guess opened my heart back up for tragedy. It was fully prepared to receive more tragic news. Then I thought, "He's about to have a baby! Oh, I couldn't DEAL if we lost him! What would Stephanie do? What would I do? I would helplessly watch my nephew suffer! Oh Lord, please don't take my brother now!"
Literally I'm remembering having these thoughts as I am writing, because I guessed I blocked them (gee, wonder why) from my mind.
"So THIS is why men don't share their feelings like women do, because this kinda stuff happens: Paranoia then PANIC," I yelled to my dad, after telling him this story (btw you can thank him for this entry, he told me this is what I should blog about next).
So why am I back? Oh I don't know, I think I just got scared and ran away from my fears. One being EVER having to go through another loved one's death. Two being opening up my wounds will open the flood gates of vulnerability and I could become exposed and hurt.
It is hard to open up about things that hurt. Not just vulnerable things like secrets or insecurities, but real hurts in the heart are hard to open up about...I don't know how to do it, because I've never done it.
And I fully understand why more women have blogs then men. And if that stat is wrong, then I'll try again, more women have blogs about their feelings then men. That's just fact. But it doesn't mean I shouldn't, it just means it is unnatural and harder than I expected.
And I expect to get opened up again like that, some how, some way, I'll panic again. And I guess in a way that is not good, but I want to try to grrrooowww here. Become a MAN. And my definition of a MAN is one who is not afraid of exposing himself, able to be tough, but also vulnerable. Able to be REAL, and not trying to impress all the time. I want to be myself, and that is "Wounded". At least for right now it is, sheesh. We'll see where else this blog takes me.
I'm sorry I left for a while. I'm back now...hopefully.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
A Look Into Nathan Prince
I am often put off with getting close to others, sadly, not because of my lack of brotherly love for people, but because I get REALLY insecure about what I could offer, and how I will inevitably fall short of who I want to be, and who people expect me to be.
And yes, I will be exploring tough things like insecurities often, because the less they are acknowledged, to more power they have over you. And if you have not experienced this to be true in your life, in case you have built a "locked safe" around your heart, I challenge you (in love) to begin to explore why we don't do things we want to do, and/or why we do things we know we shouldn't be involved in.
And you could put a general label on it and call it Sin, which wouldn't be innacurate, but again, when you call it out for what it is (say insecurties for example) your awareness of what exactly you may struggle with, helps you cope with the fact that yes, it is there, and no, you aren't a weirdo or cursed for having said burden.
But I wouldn't blanket statement Sin because we write it off as something we're destined to do, when we have the power of the Holy Spirit, given freely to those who put their faith in Christ, to "see if there be any wicked way in us" and offer that up to God. With faith comes trust, and we must trust in Truth (His Word and promises) that He conquers evil, the powers and forces of Darkness, and can revive those who are spiritually dead.
God often reminds me that I should never forget that Christ said with authority that things that are impossible with man, is possible for God. Faith means trusting in His Sovereignty, Overcoming Power, and Endless Love He has on all He has made. Acting on that faith (as James said) is the biggest challenge...and I can write more about what God has shown me on that later.
But as of right now, if you have read this far, I should probably tell you where I am coming from, some of the things I have been through that have flipped my world upside down as I knew it, and why I am seeking to connect with you, if you are interested that is :)
I have experienced forms of grief most of my life. I had ADHD growing up, and it ostrisized me throughout my childhood and I felt like a failure at everything I was "supposed" to be like. I became an introvert from age 11-16 from painful experiences and heart-breaking results from being simply being me (which was the hardest thing). In high school I started experiencing symptoms of Bipolar Disorder, and by 18 I was full blown MA-NIC. I wasn't "insane" or violent or anything, but I was very hard to be around because I was so obnoxious and hyper.
More recently however, and the MOST life-altering thing that ever happened was on August 2nd, 2006 my best friend since childhood, my baby sister, died in a car accident on her way to Gulf Shores in Alabama. She was 19, and I was 21 (almost a junior in college)
Her death was (thankfully) quick and from what I understand painless, because the car was basically demolished.
So I'm going to have to apologize ahead of time if ever you feel uncomfortable with the reality of death, or the sadness of the death of a young woman and a precious soul...but like I said, I have decided to be real, and death is as real as it gets!
I struggled with the immediate feeling of both shock of losing her, and the acceptance of death for a few years, but most surprising to me (and what goes against logic) is that once the shock and acceptance had processed, and after the period of grieving intensely, it got much harder to deal with.
I can reason that you may perhaps be asking yourself, "Really?" After all, haven't we all experienced the truth behind the saying, "Time heals all wounds." And if you lost things you cared about, as very real and sad as that may be (and I fully understand and appreciate), it is just...different when you lose a part of yourself. Didn't realize how MUCH she was a part of me, but it's just this gaping hole that has remained, and the harsh realization that not only has it not gone away, it has disabled my ability to brush things off calously like I used to easily do, to now, where my sheer existence is like I am made of glass.
I picture myself as a vase, which not only is empty and the once beautiful designs that made it unique have worn off. It has been chipped around the edges, and has cracks all throughout its once unbroken structure, and even the slightest bump up against the table it rests on will send it crashing to the ground.
This is not to say that this vase is irrepairable, it is actually impossible to restore an actual broken vase to what it once was. But the Potter that made this vase created it in such a way that only He can pick up the shattered vase lying helplessly and hopelessly broken, and restore it back to the way He originally designed it, and through the compassion He has on it as His prized creation, He makes it even more beautiful and unique than before. It now has a peaceful security in knowing how much care the Potter has for it, and has more joy than ever because while it was shattered on the ground, useless and forgotten, He stooped down and picked up every piece and made it anew.
The display of the love and compassion of the Potter toward His vase in this story shows the beauty of God's grace, and how much compassion and understanding He has on this fragile vase I have become.
You should know that this story just flowed out of me from the Holy Spirit, not myself.
And He is why I write.
And yes, I will be exploring tough things like insecurities often, because the less they are acknowledged, to more power they have over you. And if you have not experienced this to be true in your life, in case you have built a "locked safe" around your heart, I challenge you (in love) to begin to explore why we don't do things we want to do, and/or why we do things we know we shouldn't be involved in.
And you could put a general label on it and call it Sin, which wouldn't be innacurate, but again, when you call it out for what it is (say insecurties for example) your awareness of what exactly you may struggle with, helps you cope with the fact that yes, it is there, and no, you aren't a weirdo or cursed for having said burden.
But I wouldn't blanket statement Sin because we write it off as something we're destined to do, when we have the power of the Holy Spirit, given freely to those who put their faith in Christ, to "see if there be any wicked way in us" and offer that up to God. With faith comes trust, and we must trust in Truth (His Word and promises) that He conquers evil, the powers and forces of Darkness, and can revive those who are spiritually dead.
God often reminds me that I should never forget that Christ said with authority that things that are impossible with man, is possible for God. Faith means trusting in His Sovereignty, Overcoming Power, and Endless Love He has on all He has made. Acting on that faith (as James said) is the biggest challenge...and I can write more about what God has shown me on that later.
But as of right now, if you have read this far, I should probably tell you where I am coming from, some of the things I have been through that have flipped my world upside down as I knew it, and why I am seeking to connect with you, if you are interested that is :)
I have experienced forms of grief most of my life. I had ADHD growing up, and it ostrisized me throughout my childhood and I felt like a failure at everything I was "supposed" to be like. I became an introvert from age 11-16 from painful experiences and heart-breaking results from being simply being me (which was the hardest thing). In high school I started experiencing symptoms of Bipolar Disorder, and by 18 I was full blown MA-NIC. I wasn't "insane" or violent or anything, but I was very hard to be around because I was so obnoxious and hyper.
More recently however, and the MOST life-altering thing that ever happened was on August 2nd, 2006 my best friend since childhood, my baby sister, died in a car accident on her way to Gulf Shores in Alabama. She was 19, and I was 21 (almost a junior in college)
Her death was (thankfully) quick and from what I understand painless, because the car was basically demolished.
So I'm going to have to apologize ahead of time if ever you feel uncomfortable with the reality of death, or the sadness of the death of a young woman and a precious soul...but like I said, I have decided to be real, and death is as real as it gets!
I struggled with the immediate feeling of both shock of losing her, and the acceptance of death for a few years, but most surprising to me (and what goes against logic) is that once the shock and acceptance had processed, and after the period of grieving intensely, it got much harder to deal with.
I can reason that you may perhaps be asking yourself, "Really?" After all, haven't we all experienced the truth behind the saying, "Time heals all wounds." And if you lost things you cared about, as very real and sad as that may be (and I fully understand and appreciate), it is just...different when you lose a part of yourself. Didn't realize how MUCH she was a part of me, but it's just this gaping hole that has remained, and the harsh realization that not only has it not gone away, it has disabled my ability to brush things off calously like I used to easily do, to now, where my sheer existence is like I am made of glass.
I picture myself as a vase, which not only is empty and the once beautiful designs that made it unique have worn off. It has been chipped around the edges, and has cracks all throughout its once unbroken structure, and even the slightest bump up against the table it rests on will send it crashing to the ground.
This is not to say that this vase is irrepairable, it is actually impossible to restore an actual broken vase to what it once was. But the Potter that made this vase created it in such a way that only He can pick up the shattered vase lying helplessly and hopelessly broken, and restore it back to the way He originally designed it, and through the compassion He has on it as His prized creation, He makes it even more beautiful and unique than before. It now has a peaceful security in knowing how much care the Potter has for it, and has more joy than ever because while it was shattered on the ground, useless and forgotten, He stooped down and picked up every piece and made it anew.
The display of the love and compassion of the Potter toward His vase in this story shows the beauty of God's grace, and how much compassion and understanding He has on this fragile vase I have become.
You should know that this story just flowed out of me from the Holy Spirit, not myself.
And He is why I write.
Being Real...Authenticity = Connection
I've been watching my mother blog consistently 5 times a week for I believe 2 years now (wow). And I have heard the feedback she gets is that people are craving someone to talk about the hard things that basically NO ONE talks about. I have to admit, she has a style different from my own in unique ways (one being our grief is just "different") but the idea of writing about the tough things she goes through usually on a daily basis makes me wonder...
Do I have anything meaningful or interesting things to say?
It is tough to 1. Be objective toward yourself and 2. To not have doubts that maybe you aren't special, and why would people want to read what you have to say...
But, as my parents have termed those thoughts to be internal "Gremlins" that voice uncertainty and insecurities we all have, I have to learn that no matter what I may be insecure about, there is one thing I know about people, and it's simply this:
People are CRAVING authenticity.
People want to enter someone else's world apart from their own.
People are fascinated with the "inside" scoop as to what makes one "tick" so to speak.
So all doubts of my significance in this interweb world aside, I know myself, and I believe I know what people respond to...someone having the courage to be not only real, but to be vulnerable.
And yes, that is scary.
BUT, I feel like the simple great appeal that I have for authenticity is big enough to "get me out of the way" and share what God is doing, what I am going through, and how I process this crazy and often backward world we live in.
I will go further into what I mean when I say that in another post. And I plan to write on things that I am passionate about (God, Jesus Christ, Souls, Heaven, etc.) and be as real and authentic, so that you know what you see is what you get...I do not want to seek approval from men, but seek to connect with souls on a level that people are often afraid to explore. Again I can go into that more later...
So welcome to the Wonderfully Awkward and Hazy Life of Nathan Prince. Oh I can't resist... "I share because I care." hahaha i'm a nerd as well..
I'm excited to throw caution to the wind and talk about not only the Light in my life, but the Dark that is all too existent as well.
Be blessed and I hope you come back now ya hear?
Do I have anything meaningful or interesting things to say?
It is tough to 1. Be objective toward yourself and 2. To not have doubts that maybe you aren't special, and why would people want to read what you have to say...
But, as my parents have termed those thoughts to be internal "Gremlins" that voice uncertainty and insecurities we all have, I have to learn that no matter what I may be insecure about, there is one thing I know about people, and it's simply this:
People are CRAVING authenticity.
People want to enter someone else's world apart from their own.
People are fascinated with the "inside" scoop as to what makes one "tick" so to speak.
So all doubts of my significance in this interweb world aside, I know myself, and I believe I know what people respond to...someone having the courage to be not only real, but to be vulnerable.
And yes, that is scary.
BUT, I feel like the simple great appeal that I have for authenticity is big enough to "get me out of the way" and share what God is doing, what I am going through, and how I process this crazy and often backward world we live in.
I will go further into what I mean when I say that in another post. And I plan to write on things that I am passionate about (God, Jesus Christ, Souls, Heaven, etc.) and be as real and authentic, so that you know what you see is what you get...I do not want to seek approval from men, but seek to connect with souls on a level that people are often afraid to explore. Again I can go into that more later...
So welcome to the Wonderfully Awkward and Hazy Life of Nathan Prince. Oh I can't resist... "I share because I care." hahaha i'm a nerd as well..
I'm excited to throw caution to the wind and talk about not only the Light in my life, but the Dark that is all too existent as well.
Be blessed and I hope you come back now ya hear?
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