Blogs Can Be Scary

Alright, I have to admit it, this blog scares me a lil. And I did not know why exactly until the day after my last entry. That day I experienced something that tends to elude me (thankfully) most days. That is the feeling of

Panic


I was taking a nap when I got woken up by my cell phone. It was my friend. I had just told him I was too tired to play ball with him today and that I was sleepy. So I called my bro and asked if he would play for me in my place (since he loves to ball too) and he was thrilled. Anyway, like I said, I woke up from my nap and saw that it was my friend, then it hit me. Yes, like a ton of bricks. An overwhelming PANIC came over me because I had the strange and (seemingly) random notion that he was going to tell me that my brother died in a car accident.

I imagined answering the phone and having to hear about another sibling dying in a car accident. This alarmed me. "What in the world is THIS?" I pleaded with myself to reason with me. But it didn't have to make sense to be a real feeling. I felt real panic...and it freaked me OUT haha.

Maybe I shouldn't laugh, because it is all too familiar, the reality of death that is, but I have to almost laugh at this nonsense. It was not so funny then however. "OH MY GOODNESS IT'S THE BLOG! I am having these thoughts because of the blog!"

Writing about my sister (among other things) I guess opened my heart back up for tragedy. It was fully prepared to receive more tragic news. Then I thought, "He's about to have a baby! Oh, I couldn't DEAL if we lost him! What would Stephanie do? What would I do? I would helplessly watch my nephew suffer! Oh Lord, please don't take my brother now!"

Literally I'm remembering having these thoughts as I am writing, because I guessed I blocked them (gee, wonder why) from my mind.

"So THIS is why men don't share their feelings like women do, because this kinda stuff happens: Paranoia then PANIC," I yelled to my dad, after telling him this story (btw you can thank him for this entry, he told me this is what I should blog about next).

So why am I back? Oh I don't know, I think I just got scared and ran away from my fears. One being EVER having to go through another loved one's death. Two being opening up my wounds will open the flood gates of vulnerability and I could become exposed and hurt.

It is hard to open up about things that hurt. Not just vulnerable things like secrets or insecurities, but real hurts in the heart are hard to open up about...I don't know how to do it, because I've never done it.

And I fully understand why more women have blogs then men. And if that stat is wrong, then I'll try again, more women have blogs about their feelings then men. That's just fact. But it doesn't mean I shouldn't, it just means it is unnatural and harder than I expected.

And I expect to get opened up again like that, some how, some way, I'll panic again. And I guess in a way that is not good, but I want to try to grrrooowww here. Become a MAN. And my definition of a MAN is one who is not afraid of exposing himself, able to be tough, but also vulnerable. Able to be REAL, and not trying to impress all the time. I want to be myself, and that is "Wounded". At least for right now it is, sheesh. We'll see where else this blog takes me.

I'm sorry I left for a while. I'm back now...hopefully.